Let's Date.

Usually about sophomore or junior year, students take the class "Marriage and the Family." I'm currently in the course, and am learning so much! Here is an excerpt from my first few weeks of class. We talked about the four pillars of a relationship.

Caution: My notes are VERY sporadic.

FOUR pillars of a relationship:

LOVE. Love is not a feeling or emotion…it’s an action. John Lee came up with SIX different types: 1. Romantic (Eros) “erotic” Loved that is based on physical appearance 2. Game playing: about FUN and “love them and leave them.” Casual! Once the conquest is made, you’re ready to move on to the next! 3. Possessive Love: Jealousy. A rollercoaster type of love. Full of emotional highs and emotional lows. Very controlling type of love 4. Companionate: starts off as friendship and moves into affection. Slow-growing. See each other as best friends. May not even be romantic at first, but produces long-term relationships. Focuses a lot on compassion and care. 5. Altruistic (Agape): where you sacrifice for the other person. You put them before yourself. Extremely patient and a decision! 6. Pragmatic: love that is based upon similarities. In a relationship because they share some of the same interests and values. “A business relationship.” Very little focus on emotions. *Brings the most marital satisfaction: Romantic and Altruistic. When you combine the two, you find that they want to GIVE so much to the other person but also CRAVE to want to be with the person. When KIDS come into the picture, their relationship changes. When this happens, there is a type of love that works best: Companionate.

TRUST. Willingness, always about choice. Allowing yourself to become dependent on another person for some kind of result or outcome. It’s completely voluntary! Where does this choice come into play? We come to a crossroads and decide if this is a person we can become vulnerable to…and trust them. Every person you trust has the potential to hurt you. When you get hurt, you make the decision to not trust this person anymore. **Trust always comes down to a CHOICE.

RESPECT. The MOST neglected part of relationships. By definition: Looking at another person as a person of worth and value, no matter what they’ve done. It’s sad when we say, “They have to earn my respect.” People mess up all the time. However, it STILL means that they’re people of worth and value…treat them that way! --Admire, Appreciate, Accept, Affirm (with actions and words! Build them up…we want them to grow and to be part of a growing relationship!)

UNDERSTANDING. Last pillar to develop because it takes the most time to achieve! This means that you enter into the life of the other person and try and see everything from their perspective. In order for this to work, we must open ourselves to the other person: all the junk, all the craziness, all the broken pieces of who we are…so we can be understood more and more.